In the next land, we found the Cyclops. These beasts had no sense of a tribe or anything of the like. They had no functional society and fended for themselves. The fields of their island went untended… Can one imagine not transforming the natural land into his own liking? It is absolutely absurd.
I guided my ship smoothly onto the shore. But lo! Forty-seven of my finest men jumped off of the boat, thinking we had crashed. They flailed around, faces down, in the ankle-high water until eventually all but one of them became worn out and drowned. The one who did survive was then bitten on the toe by a hermit crab and stabbed himself in the chest with his sword of bronze as to avoid the long and painful death that comes from a hermit crab bite. As they all died I thought to myself that there must be a better way of keeping the members of my crew alive…
As I was thinking, I spotted a rabbit on the shore. No, it was not just one rabbit. It was many! Hundreds of rabbits were coming down from the mountainside. Well clearly they don’t belong to anybody, I thought, so I gathered a hunting party with bows and we managed to kill seven of the beasts.
We gave burnt offerings of the rabbits to the gods and then cooked the meat and feasted. While we ate, we told stories of our epic battle with the rabbits and cried big, manly tears for the soldiers we lost in our battle with them. In all we lost eleven soldiers that day, but the crew was able to feast well because of their sacrifices.
The next morning, as dawn spread her toes like weeds, my men spotted a cave on the island. I felt that I would be letting them down if I didn’t lead a large group of them into its potential danger to explore, so lead them I did. We entered the vast cave and saw an enormous amount of every type of food imaginable. Being the great Odysseus, I felt entitled to consume as much of that food as humanly possible… So I did! My men feasted as well. We feasted until we vomited and then feasted some more. It was a glorious day.
In the evening, however, something less glorious happened: the owner of the cave returned. He was a giant brute with one eye and his breath sounded like dying Trojan soldiers after I had viciously speared them (it smelled like them too). He became enraged at the sight of us consuming all of his food. I tried to reason with him:
“Sir, I am the great Odysseus! Have you not heard of my many feats in the Trojan War?”
The beast only responded:
“No….” The fool!! How could he never have heard of me? Me??? This rage soon turned into sadness and I cried for an hour because of the Cyclops’ ignorance. As my sobs died down, the Cyclops grunted and picked up three of my men. He proceeded to juggle them, which was quite entertaining for a while. I laughed at the men’s screams, thinking that the Cyclops’ game was all in good fun. But then, out of nowhere, the great beast ate the three men. He ate them! Without any salt!! The fiend! The scoundrel!
I cowered with my crew in the corner of the cave until morning. The Cyclops then left the cave and put a tall, wooden fence in front of the entrance. I lamented to my crew:
“My friends, all is lost! We have no hope of escape for Cyclops has locked the fence in front of the entrance!”
They called me an idiot and tried to tell me that we could easily break down that gate with our swords, but I knew. I knew we had no chance. I had to devise something crafty; something that nobody else would think of. Then it occurred to me! I laid in wait with my men until Cyclops returned.
When he did return, he snatched up twelve of my men and threw them at the wall for fun and then ate all of them whole… Once again, with no salt. How could he do that?! The Cyclops then dozed off to sleep, his belly being full of juicy man flesh. I then enacted my plan.
I grabbed a small, dull knife and brutally gouged at the beast’s eye continuously until eventually it was nothing more than a bloody pulp (One might ask why I did not simply use my sword. I find this question irrelevant. I am Odysseus. I can do whatever I want.). This angered the brute immensely and he thrashed around for a while, howling at me and cursing me. I just laughed at his pain and hid in the corner with my crew until morning.
The beast was dumb enough, as he was leaving, to not close the gate. Being smart, I decided to take this chance and escaped with my men. I tried to make them thank me for how smart I had been, but they refused. The ungrateful buffoons!
Eventually, we were able to make our way back to the ship, where the other men rejoiced at seeing us. We set out to sea, leaving the island behind us. This enraged Cyclops, who had finally realized that we were gone. He stood at the mouth of his cave and shouted expletives at me. Well, I couldn’t stand for that so naturally, I turned the boat around and went back towards Cyclops, intending to kick some sand in his face, make fun of him for not having an eye anymore, and run away again. The crew, however, knocked me out and took control of the ship. I never saw the Cyclops or got to taunt him ever again.
I guided my ship smoothly onto the shore. But lo! Forty-seven of my finest men jumped off of the boat, thinking we had crashed. They flailed around, faces down, in the ankle-high water until eventually all but one of them became worn out and drowned. The one who did survive was then bitten on the toe by a hermit crab and stabbed himself in the chest with his sword of bronze as to avoid the long and painful death that comes from a hermit crab bite. As they all died I thought to myself that there must be a better way of keeping the members of my crew alive…
As I was thinking, I spotted a rabbit on the shore. No, it was not just one rabbit. It was many! Hundreds of rabbits were coming down from the mountainside. Well clearly they don’t belong to anybody, I thought, so I gathered a hunting party with bows and we managed to kill seven of the beasts.
We gave burnt offerings of the rabbits to the gods and then cooked the meat and feasted. While we ate, we told stories of our epic battle with the rabbits and cried big, manly tears for the soldiers we lost in our battle with them. In all we lost eleven soldiers that day, but the crew was able to feast well because of their sacrifices.
The next morning, as dawn spread her toes like weeds, my men spotted a cave on the island. I felt that I would be letting them down if I didn’t lead a large group of them into its potential danger to explore, so lead them I did. We entered the vast cave and saw an enormous amount of every type of food imaginable. Being the great Odysseus, I felt entitled to consume as much of that food as humanly possible… So I did! My men feasted as well. We feasted until we vomited and then feasted some more. It was a glorious day.
In the evening, however, something less glorious happened: the owner of the cave returned. He was a giant brute with one eye and his breath sounded like dying Trojan soldiers after I had viciously speared them (it smelled like them too). He became enraged at the sight of us consuming all of his food. I tried to reason with him:
“Sir, I am the great Odysseus! Have you not heard of my many feats in the Trojan War?”
The beast only responded:
“No….”
The fool!! How could he never have heard of me? Me??? This rage soon turned into sadness and I cried for an hour because of the Cyclops’ ignorance. As my sobs died down, the Cyclops grunted and picked up three of my men. He proceeded to juggle them, which was quite entertaining for a while. I laughed at the men’s screams, thinking that the Cyclops’ game was all in good fun. But then, out of nowhere, the great beast ate the three men. He ate them! Without any salt!! The fiend! The scoundrel!
I cowered with my crew in the corner of the cave until morning. The Cyclops then left the cave and put a tall, wooden fence in front of the entrance. I lamented to my crew:
“My friends, all is lost! We have no hope of escape for Cyclops has locked the fence in front of the entrance!”
They called me an idiot and tried to tell me that we could easily break down that gate with our swords, but I knew. I knew we had no chance. I had to devise something crafty; something that nobody else would think of. Then it occurred to me! I laid in wait with my men until Cyclops returned.
When he did return, he snatched up twelve of my men and threw them at the wall for fun and then ate all of them whole… Once again, with no salt. How could he do that?! The Cyclops then dozed off to sleep, his belly being full of juicy man flesh. I then enacted my plan.
I grabbed a small, dull knife and brutally gouged at the beast’s eye continuously until eventually it was nothing more than a bloody pulp (One might ask why I did not simply use my sword. I find this question irrelevant. I am Odysseus. I can do whatever I want.). This angered the brute immensely and he thrashed around for a while, howling at me and cursing me. I just laughed at his pain and hid in the corner with my crew until morning.
The beast was dumb enough, as he was leaving, to not close the gate. Being smart, I decided to take this chance and escaped with my men. I tried to make them thank me for how smart I had been, but they refused. The ungrateful buffoons!
Eventually, we were able to make our way back to the ship, where the other men rejoiced at seeing us. We set out to sea, leaving the island behind us. This enraged Cyclops, who had finally realized that we were gone. He stood at the mouth of his cave and shouted expletives at me. Well, I couldn’t stand for that so naturally, I turned the boat around and went back towards Cyclops, intending to kick some sand in his face, make fun of him for not having an eye anymore, and run away again. The crew, however, knocked me out and took control of the ship. I never saw the Cyclops or got to taunt him ever again.